How To Be A Groupie
There’s more to being a groupie than just having wild hair, edible underwear, and shagging every member of the band (including the roadies and merch dudes). In reality, it’s a fine art…
Groupies have been around since the inception of music, and if we didn’t have them, artists would just live incredibly boring family lives and music would subsequently lose half of its mystique and appeal. Therefore, in order to assist this vital cause, we’ve compiled a quick guide to aid aspiring groupies on their path to stardom.
Please note: this article will not discriminate against any gender. Groupies are both male and female, and since a lot of musicians are bisexual, everyone scores (pardon the pun).
Buy a Cool Band Shirt
Even if you don’t know a single song from the band – but the shirt looks cool – get it. You’re bound to have one of their tracks on your iPod – and if you don’t, you can just smile and pretend you know the songs like the rest of the people around you.
Most popular band shirts are anything from The Misfits (punks will love this), The Ramones (beware of the emo scene with this one) and Killswitch Engage (always tell people that they’re your favourite band). Make sure you get the accompanying wristbands too – it shows you’re hardcore!
Travel in Packs
You have to be considerate here. Your conquest’s bandmates will also require some attention and even though you might enjoy group activities, you’ll probably tire after a round or two…
And this is where your friends come in! If you travel like a pack of hyenas, you’ll be more than able to trap your prey and keep the other groupie bitches away from your musicians. We all hate the stupid whores who take the attention away from us.
Add Band Members on Facebook
Stalking is so legal nowadays. Add your favourite band member on Facebook and click ‘like’ on every status update. Also try writing on their walls at regular intervals and asking them, “Do you remember me from your last gig?” – if they say no, try being sexually provocative.
Make sure you also come up with ambiguous status updates about them. Nothing is cooler than someone who is obsessed with you and makes it public knowledge.
Once you start getting on the guestlist at every show, you can show them the hand and move onto other bands.
Always Be Drunk
This is a no-brainer. Groupies need to be drunk in order to score with musicians. You need to tell people constantly, “I’m so drunk right now”, and stumble around like the hobo outside the liquor store. If possible, swing your beer bottle around and drench people in booze until they call you an asshole.
Remember, there is nothing sexier than someone who smells like a delicious mixture of ashtray, Jack Daniels and 5-minute-old vomit.
Doing The Nasty
Safe sex is the only way to go. Diseases are generally a concern, but the biggest problem is that musicians aren’t renowned for being the cleanliest people on earth and you don’t want to shag someone who hasn’t had a shower for two months – the ring-rust (pardon the pun again) will make your stomach churn.
Also carry a can of mace with you, just in case your partner gets a bit too wild and decides to strangle or beat you senseless.
Note: You should always record these encounters and then try sell them for extra cash. Celebrity porn is the way of the future.
Groupies do not tolerate rejection. If a musician turns you down for some reason, you need to do the right thing and spread malicious rumours about them.
Here are the general guidelines:
a) If he/she says “no, I have a long term partner”, you make sure you tell everyone that they’re gay.
b) If he/she says “sorry, I’m tired”, you say they’re stuck up.
c) If he/she says “gross. You’re drunk and vomited on me”, you tell the world that they’re on heroin.
d) If he/she says “I’m not into that”, you find a picture of a blue waffle (don’t Google it!) and say it’s their genitals.
We really hope this article has inspired and aided you on your quest to becoming a full-fledged groupie. Remember, whenever in doubt, just put out.